Always On The Path...

oh yes he did… Item 14 on bucket list: Go to Rocky Top I...

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 11:46:29 -0400

oh yes he did…

Item 14 on bucket list: Go to Rocky Top

I have always wanted to go to Rocky Top - for a long time. In recent months I have taken up hiking and have the most beautiful place to do it in my figurative backyard, The Great Smoky Mountains. Come to find out the only way to get to RT is to hike there so off I went. I was so happy when I reached the top that I thought “let’s dress this experience up a bit (or down as the case proved to be) and decided to mark my moment on Rocky Top with a photo. Camera set up, timer on, clothes off and *click*!

Me, nekkid as a Jay-bird giving a rebel YEEEHAWWW!

Good times…

Phoenix You can rise from the ashes of your...

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 23:29:00 -0400

Phoenix

You can rise from the ashes of your life…

I’m living proof….

You can do that too.

Get Dirty Damn It! It's Good For You...

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 20:46:38 -0400

Everybody should get dirty once in a while from good old fashioned hard work. I have always loved it. Work in the yard, on a farm, build something, but get dirty doing it. Get your hands (and whole body for that matter) into what you are doing whatever task it may be. Dirt under your fingernails, down your shirt, down your butt, on your legs, in your hair and for the sake of the Universe, don’t be such a prissy wimp or wimpette to let it bother you. I don’t care how well off your family is or if you have people who do your gardening work and GOD forbid you refer to them only as “the help”. That just shows how far removed you are from everything in my opinion, everything that’s real at least.

Now, this comes from a guy who spends a good deal of time staying fairly well groomed. It’s part of “the job description” so to speak. As an actor you do have to be pretty well maintained and along with other jobs that I have done to pay the bills, being well presented is just part of the deal. Plus it’s just part of who I am.

I decided to put this out there because over the last few days I have been doing some work for my sister Chris where if I say that I get dirty - it is an understatement. The water runs brown off of me in the shower. I have been job hunting here in K-town and not having much luck so she offered me the little course of work and I said yes.

Here is the funny thing. I went to Walgreens(it’s a drugstore here and I don’t know if everybody knows of it) to buy a couple of things - face scrub, toothpaste and Red Bull - I’m digging that stuff these days. I was of course filthy but had nobody to impress (and really never do anymore for that matter) so I went on the way back home from the job site. In line next to me was, to put it in a somewhat polite but colorful way, a perfectly pressed and polished guy - he sparkled. I could be snotty but I’ll just say he played for “my team” if you get my meaning. Well, he looked at me like I had just been pissed and shat on hahaha! AND moved slightly away from me in disgust after a nasty sneer like I was some white trash uneducated redneck. Oh lordy - no idea, no idea….He needed to get dirty, not just for a day but for a good long while.

In the old days before I grew up(and a lot of growing up has been done in the last 7+ months), I would have probably said something starting with “what the fuck are you looking at??” and on it would have gone having cut his legs off in less than 3 sentences with perfect diction and delivery.HAHAHA! However, I did not have that impulse at all and now, having showered all of that lovely dirt away only to get just as dirty tomorrow, I feel so balanced and truly happy - it’s really amazing to me how my perception has changed about certain things and the truth I know about … me…the world around me …and just life in general. As my Martha would say, “it’s a good thing”. Don’t make fun of me about Martha. It doesn’t matter to me that she’s a power bitch, I love her work.

Go and get dirty my friends.

Love and light to all who have made it this far with me.

Longvue Farm - summer - a pond, a floating duck house and a...

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 22:53:00 -0400

Longvue Farm - summer - a pond, a floating duck house and a chorus of cicadas…

I love the sound these things make.

After living in NYC for so long where you hardly hear them even in Central Park, it’s easy to forget how loud they can be. Sometimes you even have to raise your voice to talk over them. Every night, all night and often into the day they go at it. I always leave my window open to hear them. It’s a sound that reminds me I am really home.

imp: just a quick 3 minute vid. A bit rusty, but I hope you...

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 23:47:29 -0400

imp:

just a quick 3 minute vid. A bit rusty, but I hope you like it. I am realizing the biggest reason why things dont happen is Fear.

Do you have fear?

one of my fav spots to sit and read in the main stable greeting...

Sun, 31 Jul 2011 12:22:00 -0400

one of my fav spots to sit and read in the main stable greeting room. I love that chair - so comfy…

my new buddy

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:41:00 -0400

Well, in true form right along with what my mom and sister have always done, Chris went and rescued another horse just a few days before Mom’s passing. He arrived malnourished but healthy otherwise. The poor boy had simply been neglected which just breaks all of our hearts.

The two of us have bonded. The first time I went into his stall he seemed a little like “why are you here and what do you want?” so I started brushing him, combing his mane and tail and just luvin’ on him. Today I went and lined him in the ring. He bucked and played with me - I am in love! After just a few days now, I wrap my arms around his neck and he rests his head on my shoulder bless him. As far as I’m concerned he’s mine - don’t tell my sister that…

A few years ago my dear friend Evan gave me the nickname Sparky which caught on with other friends and now quite a few people call me that. Just so happens the horse had the same name. I just love that…

Meet Sparky and (if you don’t know me) Sparky.

The Dark and the Light

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 00:19:00 -0400

So, here I am a week after Mom’s passing and writing about it. This whole blog thingy I am attempting will not just be about only her or death. I promise. For now though, it is because it’s where I am on this path. Blaaggghh! The word “path” or this whole path thing makes me want to vomit today - so fucking pretentious sounding - somebody kick my ass…

This is probably a rant and won’t be pretty so if you are feeble of spirit or of mind, or just don’t like reading in-your-face ugliness, go Google search something else like indigenous wildflowers of the Alps or some vanilla shit like that.

You guessed it. I’m angry, pissed, bitchy and downright dark. For right now at least…

If you are reading this or have read my other posts and don’t know me, you must think I am the most depressed, sad, angry person on the planet. “What a bore this guy is” you people (the lowest common denominator who make snap judgments about someone at first glance) may say. To those people: I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think but I do feel sorry for you since you are going nowhere. Figure out what I mean by “going nowhere” if you can. It means a lot more here than just going to a place. Trust me.

Those of you who do know me, know me better.

However, death…witnessing one is, to say the least, a horrible thing. “She passed peacefully with her family beside her…” There is some truth to this - she passed with her family beside her is the truth but that’s about it for me. My Mom died of lung cancer and the last few hours of her death were anything but peaceful. They were ugly. The deep gurgling sound of her lungs struggling for breath will haunt me forever - and I mean forever. Her body would seize up at moments where we thought she was having a heart attack and I was thankful since I thought “this is it - she will stop suffering”. And then there were the last few minutes - glazed, dead eyes, fluid from her lungs coming from her mouth. I wiped her dry more than once all the while begging for it to be over. Having experienced this, I would not wish for anyone to watch anybody die like this, even someone they hated and more importantly, would never wish for anyone to witness this happening to the person they loved most in the world during this lifetime. Never. I don’t have that kind of mean streak in me.

The pain of all this leads to anger inside me of a magnitude that frightens me. I could smash a thousand windows and scream so loud it would burst blood vessels. Of course I’m being dramatic now.

I don’t think she was in her body in the last moments in fact, I know it - just know it. Don’t ask how. Oh no I’m not hoping she had already fluttered away, I know she had. This is another thing that if you don’t believe me or agree with me, this time, I don’t give a flying fuck what you think. How’s that? Sheesh, I have the evil in me today…

What a bizarre turn around in just one paragraph you may think. Outright, crazy-ass anger to belief that she was okay at the end. Well people, I believed that all along but that doesn’t mean I don’t experience all of the typical human emotions that go along with observing this sort of event, again, one I wouldn’t wish upon anybody. If you have read this far oh lordy why are you still here? This is getting way overcooked but here comes the light.

The day after she died I kept waiting for her to contact me. Nothing. All day. I got sad, felt really alone and scared. I just wanted to feel her presence and when I didn’t, everything I believed went out the window or so I thought….

Thursday. 2 days…. I am really lost now because we both believed we could connect with loved ones after death. And then it happened. Not thinking or doing anything in particular, I was outside walking and she was there/here with me. No people, she didn’t appear before me or anything like that but I felt her closeby and could smell her. You know how people have their scent? Well, it was her just behind and above me on my right side and I was so relieved I burst into tears. I thought it was my imagination playing tricks on me just to keep me from going crazy but no. It was her. She is there/here every so often (maybe more than I know) and sometimes her presence with me is so undeniable, I am positive my head isn’t making it all up. If you don’t agree with or believe what I am saying, make up your own bitchy comment to write to yourself. I think I’m done with the negative for a while after this ejaculation of my psyche and everyone’s beliefs are of course, valid.

Love and light to all who made it this far with me…I really mean that believe it or not.

saying goodbye - hardest thing i ever wrote

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 10:52:00 -0400

I started this blog a couple of weeks ago never having done one (and I certainly would not call myself a writer) on a day where I thought I would lose my mind. I’m not normally so dark but it’s been a long and difficult path since January when Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I dropped everything in New York to come to Longvue Farm to be there with her every day during her treatment. She passed Tuesday night. My amazing sister helped me finish her obituary and added a lot that I wouldn’t have thought to put there but I’m glad she did. I am sharing it since it somehow helps me. Letting others who didn’t have the opportunity to know her understand how amazing she was gives me a little peace.

I chose this picture from my sisters wedding a few years ago because even though you can’t see her whole face, her whole “being” is present here. Just look at the way she is holding my Dad’s hand so nervously but oh so proud. Next to her are her parents and just behind are myself and my partner Steven - she called him her other son and loved him like she gave birth to him. “Let him fly but hold on to his feet!” she would say she needed to tell him about me.

Pamela Kaye Long, 67, passed away with her family and her beloved dog, Willie, by her side at her home on July 19, 2011. Pam’s oncologist, Dr. Daniel Ibach, who cared for her over the last months in her fight with cancer, sat with her while she made her journey home and brought her great peace and comfort.

From the time Pam was a young girl, she found her passion in horses. As a child, she would travel to her Aunt and Uncle’s farm just to brush on a horse. It was then that she would form a lifelong bond and become an avid equestrian and advocate for horses. Pam has, for countless years, brought horses to the family farm that were in danger of slaughter or were malnourished and abused, giving them a place to live the rest of their lives with loving care.

Pam raised and showed her horses and formed many lifelong friendships with those that shared her love for those creatures she referred to as “the universe’s gift to us”. This love of the animal was passed to Pam’s daughter, Chris, and together they have raised horses that performed in the World Class of Saddlebred Horses in Louisville, Kentucky.

Pam never turned anything or anyone away. Her heart was big and along with all of the stray animals, she often took in people who were down on their luck as well. It wasn’t about money to Pam, she gave people her time, her heart, and a safe place whenever they needed one. Her philosophy was that anyone can write a check but not many give their heart and time. Her wings were spread wide and always had enough space for anyone in need.

Being a very spiritual person Pam would say “Follow your bliss, it will always keep you on the right path to being a better person.” Pam believed that the path in life was to surround yourself with love and happiness. She wanted for her family and friends all of the happiness in the world.

Originally from a small town in upstate New York, she made her way south where she met husband Fred and together they built a very successful home construction business where she employed her artistic talents pertaining to design and decoration. A passionate artist, surrounding her family with beauty in the designing of their home, her philosophy was “it doesn’t have to cost a lot to create a beautiful space” and would tell stories of the $2 plastic shower curtain she turned into drapes when she and Fred were first married. Pam shared her passion for music and arts with her son, Danny, who is an accomplished pianist and artist in his own right, a trait he certainly inherited from his mom.

Pam’s love of her family, friends, and animals will live on in all of our hearts. We will miss her daily and think of her often. If she were able to pass one thing along to all of us it would be, say “I love you” more, be kind to one another, and always take time to lend a hand or an ear because you never know whose life you might change.

Pam is survived by her Mother, Shirley Liddycoat, her husband Fred Long, daughter Chris Long-Schubert, son Danny Long, brother Chris Liddycoat, son-in-law Alex Schubert, son-in-law Steven Sanfilippo and grandson Nick Schubert. That is the condensed list. As you know, if you knew Pam and were lucky enough to call her friend, you should be on this list as a survivor. She was loved by many and will be greatly missed by all of those who were lucky enough to be touched by her.

The family will be receiving friends in a celebration of Pam’s life at the Longs’ home on Longvue Farm, located at 1830 Sunstone Way, at 1:00 PM on Saturday July 23.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made in her memory to
Saddlebred Rescue Inc., 4 Westview Dr Blairstwon, NJ 07825 and Young Williams Animal Center. 3201 Division Street Northwest Knoxville, TN 37919.

Requiem

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 20:43:00 -0400

He approaches.

He’s not so close that I can feel the cold emanating from his form or smell his scent, more like he’s down the road a piece.

In the distance I see that his gait is true. Not too quick, not too slow but it is definitely full of intention and I don’t like the way he moves. You can tell a lot about someone or some thing by the way they move. This one is too light, too lithe, too easy…too eager. Hunger is there in his ragged form and I don’t like the way he moves.

He’s not coming to meet me. If he were, I could stand in front of his desultory shape and stand my ground - eye to eye - unflinching. At least that’s what I tell myself.

But no.

He is coming to meet my Mom.

He approaches with such ease it’s as if he’s strolling through a vast meadow wantonly searching for a flower to pluck for his own enjoyment. It’s too effortless for him and I don’t like the way he moves.

He will receive no warm welcome from me that’s for sure and though I know his business is clear and he will not stray from his assignment, I will face him and say “I know why you are here and I will not fear you. You have come to this path unwelcome but I will surrender one of the most precious parts of my life to you now. However, I will not allow you strike fear in me or my Mom. We were prepared for your arrival. In that way, we are stronger than you”